“Department of Inverted Justice: Where Yesterday’s Crime is Tomorrow’s Mandate!”

Please note: This reality has been approved by those who disapprove of reality.

The morning Kay awoke, he found that his calendar had reversed itself.

Yesterday was tomorrow, and tomorrow insisted it had already happened. On the television screen, which now displayed images in mirror writing, a man with artificially golden hair was simultaneously being convicted and serenaded

“This is perfectly normal,” said the Attorney from the Department of Inverted Justice, who had materialized in Kay’s kitchen without using the door. He was feeding pages of the Constitution into a paper shredder while wearing a blindfold embroidered with the words “JUSTICE IS BLIND™.”

“But how can someone be both criminal and king?” Kay asked, watching as his coffee cup filled itself from top to bottom.

The Attorney laughed, a sound like crumpling ballot papers. “You still believe in contradictions? How charmingly twentieth century of you. We’ve evolved way beyond such primitive concepts as logical consistency. Here, let me show you our new moral compass.” He pulled out a compass whose needle spun wildly in all directions at once. This is the new Merica. Welcome!!

“The beauty of our new system,” the Attorney continued, straightening his tie (which was actually a strip of yellow crime scene tape), “is that we’ve finally freed ourselves from the tyranny of consequences. Actions no longer need reasons, and reasons no longer need truth. It’s highly efficient. Highly!”

Through his window, Kay watched as crowds marched down the street carrying signs that read “GUILTY IS THE NEW INNOCENT” and “MAKE PARADOX GREAT AGAIN.” Some wore masks of Lady Justice, but they had modified them so she was winking instead of blindfolded.

“But what about….” Kay began.

“Ah,” interrupted the Attorney, holding up a finger. “You’re about to make the mistake of asking about ethical considerations. We’ve privatized those. Morality is now traded on the stock exchange. Very profitable quarter for cognitive dissonance futures. You should consider getting in on the gravy train. Gravy.”

Kay felt a heaviness in his pocket and pulled out a small brass scale. One side was labeled “Democracy” and the other “Autocracy,” but both sides pointed upward, defying gravity.

“Perfect balance,” the Attorney nodded approvingly. “You’re getting the hang of it. Remember, in the Department of Inverted Justice, up is down, wrong is right, and power makes truth. It’s all very simple once you stop thinking about it. Thinking!”

As Kay stared at his reflection in his morning coffee, he noticed his face had been replaced by a ballot box that was simultaneously full and empty. The Attorney had disappeared, leaving behind only a business card that read:

“Attorney Master Bates
Department of Inverted Justice:
Where Yesterday’s Crime is Tomorrow’s Mandate.”